Axiom Managing Director, Chris Carey shares some insights on how you can learn to take a more balanced and positive view about yourself, and consciously choose how you are going to act, based on real-world evidence not your own inner, self-critical dialogue.
“You are your own fiercest critic”
I can’t see your face as you read this blog, but I can, with some confidence, predict how your expression might change as you reflect on this phrase.
Think about these six words for any length of time and I think you might just find yourself gently nodding in agreement, perhaps even giving in to a rueful, knowing smile.
We are indeed our own fiercest critic, often possessed of an unfailing ability to disempower ourselves, convince ourselves we will never make ‘x’ happen and then justify those thoughts with ‘evidence’ we drag up from our memory banks that ‘proves’ our own self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. Which triggers a thought about something else you’ve not been good at, which highlights another reason why this is not going to work, and so it goes on.
Here, I want to share some insights on how you can learn to ‘argue with yourself’ – and perhaps come to a more balanced view, possibly a positive view, or even better still, an empowering one.
That is the ‘critic’s choice’; your choice.
Say it out loud to reveal the absurdity
A good first step is to tease apart all the individual issues your inner critic has rather unhelpfully bundled together, like a ball of elastic bands – and see them for what they really are.
Simply saying out loud the things going on in your mind makes you realise how daft they sound and how your inner critic is already on shaky ground. Saying them to a trusted friend and getting their perspective is another way forward, a real reality check. (Just be sure to choose a friend who will genuinely help you take the conversation forward – not a friend in cahoots with your inner dialogue who’ll slavishly agree with your view of the world and prove you were right all along!)
Another technique is to use your own carefully honed, almost forensic ability to find fault in others’ arguments. Apply it to your own self-limiting inner dialogue and ‘pull apart’ its thoughts and conclusions. In truth it rarely has any genuinely credible evidence to bring forward.
A useful technique in this regard comes from the work of Martin Seligman in his book Authentic Happiness. It’s as simple A, B, C – and D, E, actually:
Adversity: What’s the issue?
Beliefs: What have you made that mean?
Consequences: How does that make you feel?
Disputation: What’s really going on?
Energization: What are you going to do?
You can use this technique as a rigorous structured interview with yourself. But beware: Your inner dialogue often ‘pipes up’ in all sorts of unhelpful ways. As I’ve said many times before, thank it for sharing and tell it to push off – because it’s not helping. Alternatively, you could get a trusted friend to conduct this structured interview with you.
The green Range Rover: Noticing the positives
We’ve now discussed some techniques to pull apart the disempowering arguments of your inner dialogue, your own fiercest critic – and perhaps created a little space in your mind for a more balanced view, based on real evidence. But that ‘critical devil on your shoulder’ can be persistent, so before it starts filling your mind with more self-doubt, let’s train your mind to notice the positives in any given situation. They are there; you just need to notice them.
So, if I tell you: “You don’t see many green Range Rovers these days – so keep a look out for them. You’ll see them all over the world. They are there, just like the positives in your world, you just need to notice.”
I told this story to a group of participants in a workshop we run called How to maintain a positive outlook. As we left the venue together, after the workshop, to get some early evening sunshine, there were three cars stopped at the red light outside the hotel – one was a Land Rover Discovery, two were green Range Rovers. One participant said, albeit in jest: “How do you do that?” Before I could respond, one of his peers more earnestly said: “He didn’t – you just noticed them.”
His choice; the critic’s choice.
So go on, get out there and find some green Range Rovers in your life. They’re out there; you just need to notice them or get some leadership coaching to help you find them.